Divorced, Not Dead

It’s been a while since I have sat down to reflect here and to share. I honestly don’t even know where to start today. HOLIDAYS- I’ve been dreading. Many weeks ago, before Thanksgiving, I was really dreading the thought of the entire holiday season this year. So many “firsts” after divorce coming up and I know I don’t want to deal with any of it. I have been so busy with work and getting ready for the new house, that I have just avoided thinking about the holidays. BUT, Thanksgiving came. And I had purposely made plans for this day that felt good for me. I was surrounded by dear friends. Dear friends that have all been through a divorce and had the lenses of where I was that day. It was gentle, it was lovely, it was warming, but it also was glaring to me what I have lost. My kids were not around me, my ex-husband was not around me, my family of 5 was not around me. And this is PAINFUL to endure. It’s like someone has cut many pieces of my heart out and I’m just standing there bleeding with dark feelings and emotions. I don’t wish this pain on anyone. It sure does knock me down from time to time. And I think that by now. after all the therapy that I have been through that I know how to manage myself to ensure I stay on track. BUT I fell off track this weekend. It was very hard, very messy, and it took me way too long to connect all the dots to what was actually happening in my grief this time. The important thing to know today, is that I’m back on track. It took about 4 days to get back to good, but the last time this happened, it took way longer then 4 days so I will count this as progress for me! Divorce is so hard. The complete devastation of my family of 5 is what is on my mind these days. I struggle daily about how the 5 of us are still so broken in our little ways still. And that being together is not the same as it was not long ago. To even be together is often not healthy and that is what hurts the most. This is my reality. This is what I agonize over still. My broken family. So hug your kids tight, hug your spouse tight, because it only took a matter of about a minute one day for the house of cards to fall on me, and life has never been the same since that day…………

I don’t even know where to begin with this post. The last couple of weeks have been absolutely crazy for me. Another round of moving, a new place, new rules, new expectations, and it’s all been so overwhelming for me. I’m exhausted from being without a home. I’m exhausted from needing so much help and support from my family. I’m exhausted from living out of my suitcase and not being able to sleep in my own bed. I know my people close to me are tired of me being in their spaces, and believe me, I’m tired of not having my own space. It’s simply exhausting for everyone. Definitely taking note of this part of the transition period after divorce. I wouldn’t recommend anyone trying to live with family for more than a month or so. Especially if you have children and animals and integrating into a household. It’s simply just too much I’ve learned. BUT tonight, my family, the Menzies Clan, Party of Five, had a meal together for the first time since January. And to say that I’m not still over the moon happy is an understatement. We actually all sat down and had a fabulous meal together. We all laughed, we all carried on like nothing tragic happened not long ago. And I kept trying to soak up every single word that was said to each other. The normal sarcastic and witty banter that my family is famously known for was BACK. And it was food for my soul. I’m literally still standing in the puddle on the floor with happy tears tonight. And don’t forget the biggest SMILE ever. I try to keep reminding myself that I’m still right dab in the middle of this horrible season of divorce. I’m dreading the holidays to be honest. I don’t have my new normal yet. Still lots of judgement surrounding me and my every move. Still so much to wade through and figure out and its tough. But I’m going to make it through all this. I’m happy tonight!

So last week, I started to listen to my first session in Sedona. This session was called Radiant Heart Healing with a wonderful woman named Dr. Sher Wesch. One of the unique things about my itinerary in Sedona, was that I got to travel to a specific place for each one of my sessions. This Soul Adventure was not a place where you check yourself into a facility and attend group sessions. This Soul adventure was just that, a soul adventure. One on one time with a professional that was educated on my story before I arrived. The intake process before I arrived in Sedona was quite lengthy. And that morning when I arrived, she knew my name and was waiting outside to welcome me. I was blown away when I saw her. Her presence alone swallowed me whole as I felt a deep connection with her immediately. Her space was calming, softening, a safe place to start my Soul Adventure. So, when I started to listen to this session last week, I was sort of shocked to be honest. I listened to myself start to tell my story, I was crying the whole time trying to get through it all, and all the while she was right there soaking it all up. When I was listening to myself, I very quickly realized how far along I have come since that day. I felt broken that day. Like a delicate pretty piece of china that had been shattered on the ground, not pretty anymore. Little pieces spread all over the floor hoping that I could gather all the pieces back so I could be put together again. I was so scared. I’ve been so scared throughout this whole season in life. I’m still scared today but have so much positive energy running through me right now fianlly. And I’m so grateful for this. But back to this session. After doing some talk therapy for over an hour, she took me back into a smaller space and had me lie down on a massage table. She covered me up with a blanket and covered my eyes. And this is where some amazing things started to happen for me. She helped relax me to a point where I could see deep inside myself. And finally could see all the pain and hurt within me. This pain looked like a very dark maroon color. I could see it everywhere within me. And I could see it stuck everywhere, you know like large blood clots, cloggin up all the important pathways inside my body. Through deep breathing techniques, and allowing the Divine light in, I could finally see this pain moving out of my body. Don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t something that just happened in 5 mins and then it was over, this part of the session took about an hour to get through. But by then end, I had so much open space within me to start allowing all the positive energy in. During this session, I was also enlightened to see my soul. My vision that I had was you know when you are on an airplane above the clouds while the sun is setting? It’s one of my favorite visions to see, because to me it represents so much freedom. To be so high in the sky above the clouds with endless possibilities. You have no clue where you’re going to land, but the view is amazing. I always envision that all of my loved ones that are not here on earth with us any longer are in the sky about the clouds. I smile when I’m in this place. And I will find the perfect picture of this vision for my new house. Because I want to look at it every single day and smile real BIG. But during this session while having this vision, I saw my soul in this space. She has been here the whole time, waiting for me to come get her. Have you ever felt so comforted by yourself? Have you ever given yourself a hug and felt so cared for? I know I hadn’t. I know that I have always looked for this comfort in other people. My soul comforted me that day and helped guide me through this adventure that I had just started. I was so overwhelmed by these feelings. Because I have never felt them before ever in my life. And this is not to dig at my parents or my family in any way. But my soul showed up this day. And she showed up in a big way for me. As I move through the next sessions, and really start sharing my adventure, you will get to hear how my soul rescued me. Its so amazing to finally be able to start sharing all of this. This is where the alignment between the brain and heart are starting to connect for me in Sedona, and this alignment had not even been a thing for me for so many years before this. Or ever really to be honest. This session was so emotional for me, so soul cracking for me, that I’m blown away by it still today. I’m grateful that I have all of my sessions recorded so I can go back and listen to them over and over again. I want to listen to this one again before I move to the next. I often have to pause it, so that I can really think about what she has said to me. The validation of all the horrible things that have been thoughts in my brain for so long. The validation that I was in the right place to begin my healing, the right place to change my life forever. So I leave you with this, can you see your own soul? Can you find comfort within yourself ever? If not, come talk to me, call me, text me. I would love to share this with you!

I’ve been reflecting a lot recently. A year ago, I was severely injured from the horrible car accident that we were in over Labor Day weekend in Colorado. I remember being at Red Rocks attending the Nine Inch Nails concert very vividly. There were some very magical thunderstorms happening that night to the east of where we were. At the time, it was so cool to witness all the thunder and lightning. But as I look back, it was possible some foreshadowing of what I felt deep within my soul. I was reading a book at the time about emotional and physical empaths seeking more understanding of my person. I shared so much information on that car ride with Drew and Eli. And I remember not getting much back from either of them. Inside, I was starting to figure out a lot about myself to be honest and was excited to share that some things were starting to connect within me. But it went onto deaf ears I feel. I felt so defeated. I felt discouraged to continue to read about this because I wasn’t sure why anymore. And honestly, I had felt so dead inside for so long, I just didn’t understand why at this point. But these thunderstorms were brewing all day in Colorado, and the same kinds of thunderstorms were brewing in my marriage. I see this now in a very clear way. I never dreamed in that moment, when we ended up in the ER that a year from then that I would be in the place that I am in now. My life has been forever changed from that moment. Through tremendous darkness, confusion, absolute heart shattering times, devastation, physical destruction, that I’m finally GLOWING! Since I’ve been back from Sedona, I have had dozens of people reach out to me about how I look in the flesh. From pictures posted on Facebook, or just being around me in person. How my energy is when I’m around and it takes my breath away honestly. I do finally feel like I’m glowing and my light is shining so bright for everyone to see. I just wish I could articulate all the life changing sessions that I had in Sedona. I’m getting there I promise. I’m sharing things with those I feel safe with right now. I still have a tremendous amount of work to do on myself, I need to slow down. This is one thing that I really struggle with still. Just go go go all the time. Eli calls me out on this almost every single day. My life changed in Sedona. My story changed in Sedona. And the future is so bright for me. So many things I’m working on, so many plans for my long-term future. I’m bursting at the seams to start working the plans and finally sharing all the amazing details with you all. But I’m not ready yet. Just know that I’m finally GLOWING. and HAPPY!

It’s been a very strange week for me honestly. Besides the fact that work is absolutely crazy right now since we are just weeks away from Iphone Season, I’m simply exhausted. Call me the crazy gypsy dog watcher. I just feel off. I’d like to think that I’ve slowed down some since Sedona, but I haven’t. I really enjoyed all the alone time last week while staying at a friend’s house watching her dog. I was alone most of the week, with just her dog. And I got to catch my breathe a bit. Got to go to bed early, eat what I wanted without considering others, lay on the couch and watch Hulu, you know all the things when you have your own place. It was refreshing. I’m super grateful for my sister to let Eli and I stay with her and her family. Don’t get me wrong when I say this though. IM READY for my own space. I crave being alone. Thats where I’m able to process things. Its where I have the most revelations about my current space in the universe. Its where my healing lies. And I can’t get there fast enough to be honest. So, I’m still in this transition zone and I’m ok with that. I think I’m just eager to move the process along, you know get to the finish line 🙂 But grief is around a lot this week. I’ve been incredibly sad. I want to be happy, but I just can’t kick the monumental feeling of sadness these days. I know that I’m not sleeping well and that always triggers some things for me, but you know Ian turned 20 this week. And boy I’m so proud of Ian. But reminiscing about the day he was born and looking back to his childhood was a huge smack in the face of what I’ve lost this year. While I will never lose these precious memories, and I haven’t lost Ian, I think it’s the dynamic of my family. The 5 of us. I don’t have the 5 of us anymore and it hurts so incredibly deep right now. It’s the simplest of things and I don’t have it. So, this weekend, I’m going to try and get some rest, give myself some grace, maybe listen to my first Sedona session and start deep diving into my life-changing time in Sedona to help get back into alignment with all the things. So much more to come on Sedona. So many people keep asking me about this trip and want to hear about it. I promise its coming. It’s all just a lot to process still and being able to articulate it has been difficult. But I think I’m getting really close to unloading all the amazing things I learned about myself there and can’t wait to share it with everyone that loves me. Happy Labor Day Weekend friends!

Wow….what an amazing week, but more importantly what an exhausting last 10 days. I was very excited to get back to KC, and see my family. I missed Napolean and Newman also, and so grateful that I get to have them both with me at my sisters. If you know me well, you know what Mr. Newman means to me. He has essentially been my ride or die now for almost 12 years. He is my person, follows me everywhere I go, wakes up with me, does laundry with me, follows me to the bathroom and ensures I’m good, and goes to bed with me every single night……again he is my person person. I think having him at my parents for the first 2 months and not with me has been one of the hardest things for me. I love this freaking dog….with my whole heart. So thank you sister, for allowing this to happen in the first place. But boy, re-entry back to my life here has been somewhat challenging. I’m just simple drained of all my mental and emotional capacities. I took Wednesday off so I could un-pack and get laundry going, however was woken up by a friend who came to see me, and that was at 11am. I never sleep this late ever. So then that proceeded not much of anything else on Wednesday. I did get to take Eli out to dinner and spend some time with him catching up. But that was it folks. I was in bed by 8pm and slept so hard, that my alarm on Thursday morning was like a freight train hitting me. I came back to over 1500 emails for work and another 800 personal emails (mostly junk). And I love getting back to work. It’s been the one thing that has been consistent in my life for a while now and has been my refuge honestly. Thankfully, I was able to get back into a good place by the end of today, that I think I’m good to go at work now. But emotionally, I’m a bit off still. In Sedona, I was able to find the way to align my heart and soul. I got to live in this alignment for many days and got to really feel how this felt for a change. This alignment is what I absolutely need to move forward in a healthy way for me. But my alignment is off here at home. All the boundaries that I need to set up haven’t been set-up yet, people’s energy are entering my body quickly again, and I can feel this happening very clearly now. And I’m trying like hell to work through this, and to try and align myself again. BUT THIS IS THE HARD PART NOW. I have intentionally chosen to stay close to home, and not get out to see everyone just yet. I’m still processing a ton of information and have already had a session with my Sedona coach just last night. The integration of all the work I did last week is where the hard work is. And I’m really anxious about it all. So please bear with me, as I know it’s not like Angie to not want to have everyone gather and see everyone ASAP. Or heck, even call a dozen people to share highlights of Sedona. I just don’t have the mental energy yet. Have a great weekend everyone! Peace, A

Final day here in Sedona and I’m mentally exhausted. I woke up very tired and had another 7 hours worth of sessions today. But I was excited for this final day and all that it would bring full circle for me. My first session was Aligning Your Life Purpose with Inner Joy in Spiritual Astrology with Layla. This session charted out where all the planets and stars were in the universe and the exact moment I was born and took my first breathe. While I’m a Libra based on my birthdate, I hold many strong characteristics of the Scorpio sign. She also shared with me where all of the planets and stars as of today and boy was that a picture to see. I have some very extraordinary things happening in my universe that only happen once in like 89 years and explains a great deal of my pain and suffering that I have endured over the years. The bad news is, things don’t shift out of the pattern for another 6-7 months, but once things shift, things will settle down for me. I’m manifesting a very peaceful 2024 for me. I need it tremendously. My second session today was Attracting the Beloved with Rhianne. This was a very interesting session as it also looked at my birthdate and translated to many possible soul mates and what my soul desires deep down. It was confirmed that I hold the Queen of Hearts card, haha. And when my soul mate comes across me, I will definitely be his queen. So much more here to process and research. I’m not ready for my soul mate yet. My final session was Soul Source Union with Victoria. Another long session of breathing and looking directly at my soul. My many claires were fired up again and I saw so many things during this session. But the ultimate feeling that I got today was an enormous amount of peace and I know exactly how it feels to be in alignment with my soul. My brain and heart have not been aligned ever in my life I have realized. And this has always caused a great deal of confusion for me as I’ve navigated my way through things. I received the most moving prescription at the end. To give myself a hug each day. I’m ready to come home, see my family, and start processing all of this amazing information that is all about me. I still have a lot of work to do, but the future is very bright and my soul is ready to go make the biggest impact on the world now. Shine bright my dear loved ones. Peace

What a profound day. A there really are no words that I can write here to describe how I feel at this moment. I feel STRONG, I feel restored, and my soul feels so good right now. Every single one of the therapists that I have spent so much time with this week have seen me. They see me and their words and pure affection they have shown me has been exactly what I needed this week. So many hugs, so many tears, and so many moments of pure vision for my future. It really does take my breathe away as I sit here and reflect. My first session was Healing the Core Wound & Letting Go on the Land with Tim. We spent 4 hours out in the red rocks, looking at all the plant life, and really connecting with Mother Earth. I know now how important it is for me to ground myself with the ground, and let my soul charge more often. This means I need to make time for myself and get outside. And really work at clearing my head. I got some really neat pictures on top of the red rocks and can’t wait to put them up in my new house to remember this precious time. My second session was Inner Journey with Breath & Sound with Joy. This session was 3 hours long and focused on breathe work and sound. I think by far, this session was the most eye-opening of them all in terms of what my actual body felt during the breathing techniques. I can’t wait to share more about this with you in person. But at the end, I was overcome with so many emotions and tears. My claires were on high alert and I had a very hard time managing all the things that were coming into my body. But the energy was flowing. And I took note of all of it. My third session today was a full body massage with Joy. And it was amazing. Her words she shared over me, while working out all the kinks really felt amazing. She was so kind with me while I was so vulnerable. Really warms my heart! I have one more full day left tomorrow with 3 more sessions, and then the real work begins when I get home. Digging into all the information, listening to my sessions again and again, and working on all the boundaries that will be necessary for me to stay true to my soul. So please be gentle with me. And super patient. I’m ready to share the new and improved Angie with you all very soon. Peace and Love

I feel AMAZING today! I have been sleeping so hard here. And I have been having some really wild and crazy dreams. I haven’t really dreamed in a while honestly and I have been encouraged to really pay attention to these now. I woke up this morning and jotted down what I had dreamed about overnight. And it was enlightening to me. I have had so many people ask me, what exactly are you doing in Sedona? What is Sedona Soul Adventure all about? And right now, I would describe this as the most amazing scavenger hunt for your soul. I’m not in a place where all of my sessions are in a room, or where you check yourself in and never leave the place until you’re done. I’m staying in a resort in the Village of Oak Creek which is about 10 miles south of Sedona. I’m right off a golf course and have all the amenities of resort life. My sessions have been all around Sedona. Most of my sessions have been in the therapists’ homes. I’ve been is some amazing homes so far. And these people SEE me. They are some of the most loving people I have ever met in my life. They see way deep into my soul and they can feel my shining light and more importantly my soul. The disconnection I have felt for so long in life finally makes sense to me why I have felt this way. And finally I’m gathering so many tools to ensure that I can keep my light shining, because after all this is the most important piece to our life. Our shining light and the energy that we put into the world. And boy, how bright my light is shining NOW. My first session today was Harmonizing with your Energetic Blueprint in Human Design with Echo. If you have never heard of the Human Design, I would encourage you to Google this. It blew my mind on so many levels and I have a ton of research to do once I land back in KC. And I do plan to share more about this session at a later time. But I got a better understanding of my person in this session, how I make decisions, what places in my soul are guiding me through every single second of my life and ultimately how I can be authentic happy. Which is so important to me right now. I just want true happiness again. My second session today was Emotional Clearing through Body Wisdom with Linder. This was my first session that started working on my breathe. And how connecting with my breathe can help me clear all the negative energy that often is flowing through me from others around me. Even though I have had a TON of negative energy and a lot of trauma in my own life, I know have some skills to help clear this out. When she was working with me, I was so relaxed and in my breathe. Total peace for me. I will take this as a huge accomplishment. And I can’t wait to share pictures of her house. My third session was Reconciling Trauma & Soul Healing with Rick. I did another round of EMDR in this session which took me super deep into my memories again. I’m still jotting down all the things popping up in my brain from this. And hope to share more soon. But after three days of super intense work, I’m feeling like a brand-new person. I needed this time to reflect and can’t wait to come home and share my light with you all!

This first thing I did yesterday at orientation was pick a crystal from this massive box of crystals. This is to symbolize yourself, your person, your soul and you take it everywhere you go and when in session, there is a charging station that you lay your crystal in to show your therapist that you brought yourself with you. That you showed up for yourself. I selected this very light pink stone, I was drawn to it immediately and in my second session yesterday, Denny pointed out that my stone is a representation of unconditional love. I love my people hard, and I have loads of unconditional love for people that hurt me. Over and over again, I have been hurt by people that I love dearly, and yet I only show them love. We talked a great deal about this, and I was able to see the connection on why I’m this way. I’m still processing a great deal of information so more to come on this one. But know, I was able to shift some gears today, and that unconditional love that I have so much for, is for ME only now. My first session today was Decoding the Ego with the Enneagram with Robin. I drove to north Sedona to her house that was located in the most amazing peaceful place in the world. I took a ton of pictures and can’t wait to share with you all. But today, with a ton of data (which I love) I learned that I’m a Number 2- Giver. The Enneagram is a map of human growth and development which combines the wisdom of the sacred traditions and modern psychology to describe nine personality types and how they interact with one another. Each type has different inner motivations and patterns of thinking, feeling and acting which result in unique life strategies. No Enneatype is better or more effective then another, yet they differ radically in point of view. When I get home, I want to share this with all of you. I want the kids to sit down and go through this exercise with me so I can see where they fall on this spectrum. And I can’t wait to do so much more research on this honestly. There are so many reasons why we are who we are. And really understanding our ego and what makes us tick is vital to a happy soul. Being understood, not trampled on when our beliefs are different from those close to us is key here. But society has us stuck in boxes that we don’t belong in. And when we try to explain why we don’t fit, those closed minds around us trample our spirits. We have to let people be who they are, no matter what that looks like. Thankfully I recorded this session so I can go back and listen to it over and over again. Robin is also a #2, so she really understands my soul. And pointed out some important things for me to pay close attention to as I move on with my life as a GIVER. I have many blind spots. And those blind spots are very damaging to my soul. My second session today was Understanding Your Life as a Highly Sensitive Person with Barbara Joy. This session blew me away completely. Barbara is a clairvoyant and provided me with so much information about my soul. I was speechless to say the least. But if anyone is curious, I have 3 of the 4 claires…..Clairaudience, Claircognizance, and Clairsentience. I will share much more detail about all of this and will provide real examples of all of these things in my life later. She also told me that I have had 24 past lives and starting with my 14th life, have been stuck in an abuse pattern. Both of my parents were narcissists, and the trauma wounds on my soul have been carried through generations for a very long time. Which brings me to where I am now. I’m an emotional and physical empath. Have been since I was a little girl. But just over the last 4-5 years have really started to figure this out about myself and grasping how this affects me every single second of the day. Today, Barbara looked at my Oura ring around my person, and 80% of it was filled with OPE (Other people’s energy). Which is not a healthy thing for me. I need to really focus on being an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) and set some major boundaries in my life moving forward. Which I have started mapping out already. I’m hopeful that I will tackle this major piece of my life and will share my bright and shining light of my soul soon. And it will be all mine, not others energy. The third session of the day was Working with Emotional Pain, Fear & Anxiety with Mind/Body/Soul Integration with Laura. This session was 4 hours long. A lot of work was done, still a lot to process. But I saw that my spirit animal is a Tiger, and my feisty 18-year-old self is with me now in everything that I do. I was able to apologize to her for not making her number one back then, not choosing her over others and when I entered into a relationship with a person that was not healthy for me. She has been waiting for me to come get her and let her shine for the world. Honestly, she has been with me since April. I know you have seen her around also…..but she is here to stay this time. And we are going to go do amazing things together. The unconditional love represents her. My path has been paved, and my dreams are filled with strong, loving work that will change my story completely. I’m not a victim anymore, I don’t have a sad story anymore to tell. I’m on a hero’s journey now, and I’m the hero.