So insomnia is a very real thing for me. I have never really struggled to sleep and could literally fall asleep anywhere. It used to cause issues with my past honestly. After being all the things during the day, if I got the chance to sit down, I would so very easily fall asleep. Quite literally. Now, as I lie awake at almost 1am, this is the most difficult part of the day for me. I’m alone. Alone with all of my thoughts, alone with my emotions and feelings, and I’m scared to close my eyes and have dreams of my past. I have had a reoccurring dream over the last 10 years or so of our old house off 99th street. I was so proud of that house. It was a battle to get there. But once we got there, we made it our home. And we started raising our perfect little family. The kids have some memories of the strawberry patch in the back yard. And the neighbors behind us were like our family. Allie and Sadie were there….gosh I miss Allie and Sadie. But the inside of the house is what I dream about the most. We painted every single room in that house. And it really felt like “ours”. Over the years, my dreams have been very vivid of the kitchen and having dinner each night with the boys at the table. And the front room where tackle pile was played almost every single day, and where the boys would watch endlessly the concerts on the TV instead of cartoons. I can see my boys truly being sweet innocent little people without a care in the world there. But about a year ago, the inside of the house started to change in my dreams. We had decided to move to Overland Park, but kept this house which really did happen in the real. But for some reason, we had stuff still in the house. Mostly the boys room. All the baby toys and clothes and the bouncy thingy. It was like we kept our little baby boys in this house. And I kept telling myself that we needed to just finally sell this house. We had a wonderful forever home finally that we could all grow old in. But the house on 99th street started changing. It was being remodeled now. The walls inside were coming down, the bathroom was being relocated to right as you walk in the front door, the kitchen was moved to the middle bedroom to allow for a much better walkout to the patio, the master bedroom was not even there anymore, essentially my memories of this house were changing and I couldn’t wrap my brain around why. I think I know why now, just a bit of foreshadowing happening deep with inside me I believe.

Now, I don’t dream much at all. I think it’s because of the shock that I am in from the devastation of my divorce. My brain is stuck in overdrive and I haven’t been able to slow down. To shift into a lower gear yet. I stuck in fight or flight mode. I’m scared to death of having a dream about the house on 99th street. I have lost so much over the last year and a half, that I can’t lose this dream. I want to remember all of those amazing memories and I want my dreams to present them to me as well. So brain, please make a note that I don’t want my dreams to change, I want my dreams to finally come true:)