Today was one of those days. The best way to describe this process is I’m walking on the beach. I’m walking along enjoying the sand and the water gently hitting my feet, until a massive wave comes out of nowhere and knocks me down and pulls me under water. I’m drowning today for a million reasons honestly. I’m trying so hard to make it back to the beach so I can get my bearings again, so I can stand back up and brush the sand off my shoulders and start walking again, but today it’s not possible. I’m numb. And I’m starting to figure out so much about how I’m doing. My brain is telling me I’m doing great. I have my new path paved, just waiting for my new house to be done. So much to look forward to and all the amazing people that are loving me hard right now. I’m massively grateful for all those around me. But most don’t see me. They don’t see the hurricane that is occurring deep inside my heart. I’m in a battle for my life right now. A battle to become the new Angie 2.0 (will elaborate more later). A battle to reconcile what my brain knows but what my heartache is longing for. It’s the strangest thing to be in this place. I’m lost. I can’t breathe.

Tonight, I was called out on somethings by someone that I love dearly. Another 2.0 as they call it. She sees me. She sees me with the lenses that I’m lacking in the storm of my life. And she called me out point blank. I’m a mother and caretaker. I want to fix everyone around me. All the time. I can’t disagree. I can’t say no. But I was asked how can I stop being this way and start focusing on myself. And I have not a clue how to do this. I’m not focusing on myself to be honest. I’m focusing on how I can help all the amazing people around me while neglecting myself. Again, typical avoidance once again. I’m making a note of this for Sedona. I need to find a way to lighten my load by an extreme amount. I need to take the massive heart that I have, and all the love and care that I have for others and direct it towards myself. My brain knows this, but my heart doesn’t know how. The total disconnect of my brain and heart is what I’m battling today. What am I supposed to do when I open up my phone and have years’ worth of pictures of my ex and our kids? Or when the Countdown App shows me his retirement date out of nowhere. That actually happened today, and I was stunned. What am I supposed to do with a lifetime of things that don’t fit into my life anymore? You know that life that I thought was going to have forever? I lost my person, my best friend and it’s very difficult to comprehend this massive loss. It’s really easy to be on the outside of this storm watching it all take place and can’t take your eyes off of the path its going but in reality, no one sees it yet. No one knows what to do with me. I’m trying really hard to pick up the pieces, and to brush the sand off my back trust me. I’m wrecked today.