Grief is tricky. I have been cycling between extreme sadness and denial but have just recently entered the acceptance phase. Anger consumed me for over a year and took so much from my person. But I haven’t been angry in weeks which I would say is an improvement. So many people around me are struggling for various reasons ie. loss of both parents, pets with injuries, adulting in general, and it’s all sucking the life out of me. I’m an emotional and physical empath and feel all of these feelings of my loved ones. I wish I could find a way to put up some massive walls to shield my heart and soul from feeling everyone’s feeling all the time. I just haven’t figured out how to do this yet. Another mental note for Sedona. So much sadness around me and my go to reaction is “Welcome to the Shitshow”. I’m all over the place daily at this point. And often just laugh out loud when another thing comes up that is a challenge. I swear there has to be cameras on me and somewhere in another universe people are watching every single second of my day. I hope one day I will look back and clearly see why all of this happened. There has to be some grand lessons that I’m supposed to be learning through all of this, just not sure what those lessons are yet.

It’s been a few weeks since I spoke to my ex. We have really struggled with all the feelings of the divorce and are definitely processing all the things at a different pace. And I think we are both still in incredible shock honestly. But lately, we have had some really good conversations about our family. Our broken family. How do we repair the Menzies Clan of 5? I miss my family so terribly. The family dinners we use to have together, sitting around watching stupid shit on Netflix, watching the Chiefs games, fire-pitting, Christmas mornings when they were little, you know the basic things that you do with your family. The family that you decided to create together. Mine is broken. And I don’t have a clue how to even begin to repair all the destruction. It keeps me up at night. We were such a great family. We loved each other so hard, until we didn’t. I would give everything I have, to have my family back together. So, when you are enjoying your family, think of me would you? And pray that one day my family can at least have a meal together and it be lovely. This is all I want at this point. A meal with my family.

I have been avoiding so many things still. Being alone is the main one. I hate being alone. And since I have moved out of Overland Park and in with my sister, I have been non-stop busy. On purpose. This weekend, my sisters, my mom and aunt are all going to the Ozarks to enjoy a girl’s weekend away. I’m so excited to get away. Away to a place with no memories of my family. And I plan to numb myself so I can get a break from all the emotional shit that I carry around. Maybe this is part of grief, the numbing of it all. To shut off the processing part of your brain so you can really let it all go for a period of time. I so badly need to free up some brain capacity this weekend. And shut my brain off for a few days. So, if you’re going with me, please take care of me. Show me some grace, and please no judgement. I can’t handle disappointing anyone else. The failure of my family is brutal on my heart. And accepting that I have failed at keeping my family whole is haunting.