It’s been a while since I have sat down to reflect here and to share. I honestly don’t even know where to start today. HOLIDAYS- I’ve been dreading. Many weeks ago, before Thanksgiving, I was really dreading the thought of the entire holiday season this year. So many “firsts” after divorce coming up and I know I don’t want to deal with any of it. I have been so busy with work and getting ready for the new house, that I have just avoided thinking about the holidays. BUT, Thanksgiving came. And I had purposely made plans for this day that felt good for me. I was surrounded by dear friends. Dear friends that have all been through a divorce and had the lenses of where I was that day. It was gentle, it was lovely, it was warming, but it also was glaring to me what I have lost. My kids were not around me, my ex-husband was not around me, my family of 5 was not around me. And this is PAINFUL to endure. It’s like someone has cut many pieces of my heart out and I’m just standing there bleeding with dark feelings and emotions. I don’t wish this pain on anyone. It sure does knock me down from time to time. And I think that by now. after all the therapy that I have been through that I know how to manage myself to ensure I stay on track. BUT I fell off track this weekend. It was very hard, very messy, and it took me way too long to connect all the dots to what was actually happening in my grief this time. The important thing to know today, is that I’m back on track. It took about 4 days to get back to good, but the last time this happened, it took way longer then 4 days so I will count this as progress for me! Divorce is so hard. The complete devastation of my family of 5 is what is on my mind these days. I struggle daily about how the 5 of us are still so broken in our little ways still. And that being together is not the same as it was not long ago. To even be together is often not healthy and that is what hurts the most. This is my reality. This is what I agonize over still. My broken family. So hug your kids tight, hug your spouse tight, because it only took a matter of about a minute one day for the house of cards to fall on me, and life has never been the same since that day…………