I don’t even know where to start. Today was extremely overwhelming and trying to process the day and then articulate here is going to be difficult. I arrived at the Sedona Soul main office this morning early. It was a wonderful morning out, lots of people already out walking and soaking in the sun. When I pulled up, there was a man waiting at the door named Bear. He was there waiting for me. He knew my name and said they were all expecting me this morning. He gave me a hug, and asked how long my retreat was planned for. Five days I mentioned, and he was like….wow, it’s going to be intense. But said get ready to change your life. He walked me upstairs and then it began. My orientation started! Lora took me through so much information. A big box was waiting for me with so many things. A journal, notepads, pens, a bag, crystals, and much more. I have a sheet for each one of my sessions and a map with all of these locations highlighted for me. I have 15 sessions and they will take me all over Sedona. Not one session is in the same place, so I really feel like I’m seeing Sedona, taking it all in, and meeting some really amazing people in the process. My first session Radiant Heart Healing was with a woman named Sher. She had my whole intake history, so we dove right into things. I’m still processing this session and really want to reflect more before I share all the things from this session. What I would like to share is that she helped me start grieving. I’ve cried the whole damn day. She helped explain to me why I have been avoiding all my feelings and how important it is to finally grieve. I can’t skip this step….even though I have always thought deep down that I could. I’ve have been stuck in flight mode for a while which I clearly understand, but today I felt a release of some sort. My energy is for me now. It’s all for me to really process and let go of so much negative bullshit in my body. We talked about the Divine Light, and how important this is for us to shine as humans. I was shining today! I felt it, and so did Sher. So more to come about this session. My second session today was Healing the Relationship Wound with Denny. I got to do EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing therapy). This therapy works to dig way deep into memories. I was really taken back by what was coming up during this session. So many things from my childhood, so many important people in my life in these memories, dreams that I have had so many times, it was crazy. I had many ah ha moments. Moments that I’m not ready to share with anyone yet. Dots of my life were connected, and my brain is scrambled eggs at this point. I’ve been journaling today a lot, very random things that come to mind when I’m just sitting around. And I can’t wait to collect my thoughts and writings someday soon and really share with you all. I just can’t right now. I’m raw. Vulnerable to the deepest part a person can be and I’m protecting my soul. You know the soul that I came here to work on?

Ok, here goes. What a day. Woke up at 3am to catch a 5:50am direct flight to Phoenix. Got to the airport and had to unpack my suitcase twice because I was over the weight limit. And if you have traveled at this time in the morning, you know the airport is busy and the lines can sometimes be long. But I made it work, just had to unpack my shoes and some t-shirts to get under the 50-pound limit. I got to sit in the Exit row so had plenty of leg room and got super comfy. I brought several books with me because if you know me, I read a LOT. And since the car accident back in September 2022 I haven’t been able to read much with the head injury I endured. So, I started reading ” The Power of Letting Go” by John Purkiss. What a great book! I will share more about this book later as I do want to share many of the concepts shared with many of those close to me. It’s a powerful message that needs to be shared. I arrived in Phoenix at 8am and it was already 103 degrees. I had lunch plans in Prescott, AZ at noon so I had time to kill. So, I ended up at a neat little park right by the Phoenix Zoo. I sat in the sun, soaked it all in even the heat, and finished reading my first book of the trip. Then I headed north to go meet my ex’s aunt and uncle for lunch. I got to spend about 3 hours with them today talking about our families and going through the tragic loss of my marriage. They have been so very supportive of me throughout this process. And I’m so grateful that I had the opportunity to sit down with them and have a good conversation about what happened with their nephew (my ex). They shared a lot of insight of the family dynamics that we see, and helped provide some comfort that even though things seem so very estranged with my Ex’s family and with my children, that there is hope for the future. I needed to hear this because I not only lost my marriage, but I also lost a whole family that my kids and I have not been a part of for almost 2 years now. It hurts. I miss them terribly. And yet, I have no idea how to even begin to repair all the damage done. It guts me that my kids have lost this side of the family also. So, here’s to hope for the future. While at lunch, a good friend from high school had seen that I was going to be in Sedona and had sent me a private message. He lives about 20 minutes away and wanted to meet for a drink. I recognize that once again I’m avoiding the whole being alone thing that is the whole reason why I came here. But of course, I’m not going to turn down the opportunity to see him and catch up 🙂 So once lunch was over, I had about another hour drive to make my way here. My therapist had shared with me to be very careful on Highway 17 that takes you into Sedona. It’s one of the most breathtaking drives that I have seen. Red rocks everywhere, hills, clouds, and massive thunderstorm brewing, lighting, and I was heading straight into. I find it very ironic the massive storm I drove through to finally get here. So much lighting, you know the kind that you know hit the ground in the distance somewhere? And it was a lot. Monsoon season is here, and I saw rain coming down like I have never seen before. And then of course, it was pouring for about the first two hours I was here. But I relate this storm to the storm that I have been stuck in for a while now. I’ve been in the heart of a massive storm for way too long and here I am, stuck in the storm again. Once the rain cleared up for a bit, I took a walk and took some amazing pictures of the sun going down. And then I saw the massive white light in that the sun was finally peeking out of the storm clouds shining so bright. It was like finally a break and all the beauty of the day was making its way to me. My friend picked me up about 7:30 and we went to the Airport Vortex. Sedona has many energy vortex’s here that my therapists have shared with me before arriving and encouraged me to visit as many of them as possible. We hiked up some red rocks, and I got to walk around this energy vortex. I did notice that it took my breath away. I felt a deep sigh of relief that started from my feet on the ground all the way up to my head. I know it’s hard to believe if you have not experienced anything like this or if you’re not into energy that you project into the world and carry within your person. But tonight, I felt a bit grounded to the earth and a release. It was wonderful. And I got to experience it with my friend. We did some more hiking and ended up sitting on top of some red rocks that overlooked the nightlife of Sedona, the light of the sunset to the west and another massive thunderstorm brewing in the east. We sat up there for hours, drinking beer, reminiscing about the good old days of high school, all the stupid shit we did together. Talk about going down memory lane tonight. It was such a nice surprise to have this time with him tonight. When he dropped me off at my hotel, he took me down a road right next to where I’m staying, and we got out of the car to do some stargazing. I saw the Milky Way tonight. Have you ever seen it with your bare eyes? It’s such an astonishing thing to see. He pulled out an app on his phone that you can point to the sky, and it will tell you what you’re seeing. We stood there for almost 15 minutes just looking at the stars. So, after being up for almost a full day now, I’m bushed. I’m ready to sleep so that I can get up tomorrow and go dig into my soul. Wish me luck!

I’m READY! The last 3 years I have felt completely dead inside. I have put all of my time and energy into my failing marriage and my kids, that I have lost myself entirely. It’s been probably the most difficult thing to endure and ultimately fail at. I’m a competitive person, have been since I was a very little girl. I want to win. I want to win at everything. I want to be the best. I want to exhaust ALL options to succeed. AND I FAILED. Swallowing this pill has been so jagged and has torn my insides to a million pieces. Try to imagine this for me please….

When I got back from Girl’s Weekend, I had a session with one of my counselors from Sedona. I was exhausted to say the least from the weekend and all I wanted was to take a shower and go to bed. But I also had to work at 11pm this evening so I didn’t have an option of winding down from the crazy weekend. But when I joined this Zoom call at 6pm on Sunday evening, I knew this amazing journey had begun. My counselor Anthony is truly the perfect person for me. He divorced at the age of 44 after a very long marriage, left his corporate BIG job, got his MBA in counseling and now works as a Life Coach and Counselor at Sedona Soul among other interesting jobs he still has. He listened to my very sad story and could actually relate to me. His compassion for my feelings and emotions just hit me a different way. HE SEES ME. I was really moved by his words and how we so easily connected on a level that I needed this evening. We spoke about all the messy stuff, and then worked on setting some very clear intentions for my work at Sedona. I’ve printed these intentions out and will post around my hotel room, in the rental car, on the mirror in the bathroom, and carry one in my purse so that I can read them often and stay very intentional about what I’m doing in Sedona. I’ve been advised to stay focused on myself and try to really be deep into my feelings and thoughts while away. And to not reflect much with those that love me during this week away. So here is how I will communicate what is going on in my brain as I move through this journey. I know I have a LOT of work to do. I know what I want my future to look like on a big picture screen, just not sure how to get there yet. I LOVE ALL of you so much and for all of the many things that you have done for me over this horrible time in my life. I’m hoping to come back Angie 2.0. And she is going to be the best version of Angie that you have ever seen 🙂

Grief is tricky. I have been cycling between extreme sadness and denial but have just recently entered the acceptance phase. Anger consumed me for over a year and took so much from my person. But I haven’t been angry in weeks which I would say is an improvement. So many people around me are struggling for various reasons ie. loss of both parents, pets with injuries, adulting in general, and it’s all sucking the life out of me. I’m an emotional and physical empath and feel all of these feelings of my loved ones. I wish I could find a way to put up some massive walls to shield my heart and soul from feeling everyone’s feeling all the time. I just haven’t figured out how to do this yet. Another mental note for Sedona. So much sadness around me and my go to reaction is “Welcome to the Shitshow”. I’m all over the place daily at this point. And often just laugh out loud when another thing comes up that is a challenge. I swear there has to be cameras on me and somewhere in another universe people are watching every single second of my day. I hope one day I will look back and clearly see why all of this happened. There has to be some grand lessons that I’m supposed to be learning through all of this, just not sure what those lessons are yet.

It’s been a few weeks since I spoke to my ex. We have really struggled with all the feelings of the divorce and are definitely processing all the things at a different pace. And I think we are both still in incredible shock honestly. But lately, we have had some really good conversations about our family. Our broken family. How do we repair the Menzies Clan of 5? I miss my family so terribly. The family dinners we use to have together, sitting around watching stupid shit on Netflix, watching the Chiefs games, fire-pitting, Christmas mornings when they were little, you know the basic things that you do with your family. The family that you decided to create together. Mine is broken. And I don’t have a clue how to even begin to repair all the destruction. It keeps me up at night. We were such a great family. We loved each other so hard, until we didn’t. I would give everything I have, to have my family back together. So, when you are enjoying your family, think of me would you? And pray that one day my family can at least have a meal together and it be lovely. This is all I want at this point. A meal with my family.

I have been avoiding so many things still. Being alone is the main one. I hate being alone. And since I have moved out of Overland Park and in with my sister, I have been non-stop busy. On purpose. This weekend, my sisters, my mom and aunt are all going to the Ozarks to enjoy a girl’s weekend away. I’m so excited to get away. Away to a place with no memories of my family. And I plan to numb myself so I can get a break from all the emotional shit that I carry around. Maybe this is part of grief, the numbing of it all. To shut off the processing part of your brain so you can really let it all go for a period of time. I so badly need to free up some brain capacity this weekend. And shut my brain off for a few days. So, if you’re going with me, please take care of me. Show me some grace, and please no judgement. I can’t handle disappointing anyone else. The failure of my family is brutal on my heart. And accepting that I have failed at keeping my family whole is haunting.

So insomnia is a very real thing for me. I have never really struggled to sleep and could literally fall asleep anywhere. It used to cause issues with my past honestly. After being all the things during the day, if I got the chance to sit down, I would so very easily fall asleep. Quite literally. Now, as I lie awake at almost 1am, this is the most difficult part of the day for me. I’m alone. Alone with all of my thoughts, alone with my emotions and feelings, and I’m scared to close my eyes and have dreams of my past. I have had a reoccurring dream over the last 10 years or so of our old house off 99th street. I was so proud of that house. It was a battle to get there. But once we got there, we made it our home. And we started raising our perfect little family. The kids have some memories of the strawberry patch in the back yard. And the neighbors behind us were like our family. Allie and Sadie were there….gosh I miss Allie and Sadie. But the inside of the house is what I dream about the most. We painted every single room in that house. And it really felt like “ours”. Over the years, my dreams have been very vivid of the kitchen and having dinner each night with the boys at the table. And the front room where tackle pile was played almost every single day, and where the boys would watch endlessly the concerts on the TV instead of cartoons. I can see my boys truly being sweet innocent little people without a care in the world there. But about a year ago, the inside of the house started to change in my dreams. We had decided to move to Overland Park, but kept this house which really did happen in the real. But for some reason, we had stuff still in the house. Mostly the boys room. All the baby toys and clothes and the bouncy thingy. It was like we kept our little baby boys in this house. And I kept telling myself that we needed to just finally sell this house. We had a wonderful forever home finally that we could all grow old in. But the house on 99th street started changing. It was being remodeled now. The walls inside were coming down, the bathroom was being relocated to right as you walk in the front door, the kitchen was moved to the middle bedroom to allow for a much better walkout to the patio, the master bedroom was not even there anymore, essentially my memories of this house were changing and I couldn’t wrap my brain around why. I think I know why now, just a bit of foreshadowing happening deep with inside me I believe.

Now, I don’t dream much at all. I think it’s because of the shock that I am in from the devastation of my divorce. My brain is stuck in overdrive and I haven’t been able to slow down. To shift into a lower gear yet. I stuck in fight or flight mode. I’m scared to death of having a dream about the house on 99th street. I have lost so much over the last year and a half, that I can’t lose this dream. I want to remember all of those amazing memories and I want my dreams to present them to me as well. So brain, please make a note that I don’t want my dreams to change, I want my dreams to finally come true:)

Back in April 2023, my soul was searching for a place to run away to, a place where I could escape the shitshow of a life that had been brewing for the last 3 years now that had become very real life for me. I was knee deep in unraveling 15 years of life in the house we raised our children in, touching every single thing that was brought into the house and making decisions of do I keep or throw away? Talk about overwhelming. It’s funny how when you store things in storage containers in the basement of the kid’s school projects, or the wedding albums, and the container of love letters your ex had written over 25 years ago, what your brain tells you do with these things when its time to move. Mine froze. My brain was like, this isn’t real. You’re going to wake up tomorrow and the nightmare that you lived today is just a bad dream and tomorrow you’re going to wake up grateful again to have your family intact. So those containers got moved into a pile of “I’m not going to make this decision today”. My parents where over almost every day helping me paint every single square inch of the house to help make it someone else’s home. I was exhausted, I was numb, I was angry, I was losing my mind honestly. But deep down, my soul had been dying for about 3 years. I could feel it at the deepest levels in my body. And I knew I needed to find a place where I could go unload all the yuckiness of my life. There is so much I need to unload, so much that I need to process and work through. A place with professionals is what I was searching for. And I found it! After several intake sessions with an Angel Advisor from the Sedona Soul Adventure Wellness Retreat, a very personalized treatment plan was coordinated for me. And today my treatment coordinator sent me the finalized itinerary. My attachment style is classic avoidance….and boy have I been avoiding this one. The thought of being alone for a week in Sedona sounds like the perfect storm of me finally losing my shit and being so uncomfortable with my place in life right now. But my brain is telling me its time. It’s time to go and share all the wounds of my heart, share the tragic events of my life that have made me the person I am today, so that I can find some acceptance of it and finally start my healing journey. I’ve been avoiding all of this for a long time now. I know this much. But today after reviewing the details of the 15 sessions of work that I will be doing for myself, I think I’m ready.